Well, here I go again. I had a very good day today, although I am fighting a cold. It is winning so far. I did rest a lot today and did not eat too much. It is difficult to eat when one has no taste buds working very well, but I always seem to manage to eat! We went to town to get a few groceries as it is supposed to snow late tonight or very early tomorrow morning. We have a funeral to go to on Saturday. I hope the weather won't stop us from attending. If it does, it does. The people who are involved will totally understand, but I will feel bad because I want to be there for them. I feel like sleeping all day today. It is this cold I am sure, but it sure seems to affect my mood too. Even with the Sun out today, it was bitterly cold. I got out and got some fresh air, which I did not want to do but did anyway because I knew I needed to "blow off the stink" as some say or used to say. I feel very old today. I have done a pretty good job of denying my age so far in my life, but recently it has really been hitting me that I am in the "older set" now. I dragged my feet as long as I could, but here I am anyway. I know many of you feel the same way as I do. Where did all that time go? What did I spend it doing? Mostly taking care of children and feeling sorry for myself, not necessarily in that order. I wonder why I cannot lose weight? Maybe because I have a problem with trying that hard anymore. I want to be a normal weight, really I do, I just don't have the guts to go without the food I need to go without to get there. This realization hit me several years ago now when I was in weight watchers meeting one day. When I realized how little I would have to eat for the rest of my life, I just plain gave up. I have dieted for most of my life. I was about eight or ten when my parents and grandparents decided I needed to eat boiled hamburger and cottage cheese to lose the pudge. Oh, if they had just taken me on walks or rode a bike with me, or found some other way to entertain me that got me moving. I remember going to visit my grandparents and sitting around the room waiting for time to eat. Why is it most of our day is spent either in preparing food, eating food, thinking of food or doing dishes to clean up after food? As I get older it seems like the hours between meals fly by. I get done with one meal and whoops, there is another meal to prepare or eat. I have to admit I am spoiled. I have a husband who loves to cook and bake. He does not even mind doing the dishes. (he does laundry too, but that is another story) I have spent most of my life blaming other people for my problems. If only I could find someone to love me. Not boss me around, but truly love me. I found that but almost threw it away going through my change. I truly went a little bonkers then. I don't know what the solution is that would fix me. I love to eat. I have heart problems, so I know that eating wrong will eventually kill me. I reward myself when I do well, not with food either. I just can't seem to get past the hard work it takes to get the pounds going off again. I am moving more than before, but the last time I was getting fit, I got a terrible infection that took a year or more to get rid of. I gave up again. I could win an award for most times starting over I think. They say it is not about the weight when you are fat. Even Oprah says that. We watched her struggles for years. She has had the best help a person could have and still cannot keep the weight gone. That did not help my desire either, let me tell you. I am a fairly smart person, I am. I know what to do. I do. When that temptation comes, I take a small portion. I do. But, then the banana bread calls me, or the cookies, or the ice cream. I really have problems with Ice Cream. The worst thing is, it never tastes as good as I think it will. But, I still don't stop! I look deep to try to find out what my problem is. It is the immediate comfort that some foods give. Mashed potatoes are one. Ice Cream is one. Chocolate is one. These foods make the bad feelings go away. They really do. For a little while at least. Then, like a drug, you need another one, dish, bar. Even knowing this, I don't get on the wagon. I have been cutting servings in half. Eating only 1 slice of bread instead of 2 in a sandwich. I never have been a butter eater. (unless it is in something) I don't crave cold gravy like my Mom used to do. She had a weight problem all of her life until she went under the fog of alzheimers. Then she would forget to eat, or would ask Dad "is it time to eat already?" She was about 150 to 175 lbs. when she died.
Dad was a big man most of his life. Now he is thinner than I have ever seen him, except in photos when he was young. He has all kinds of health problems and has to watch what he eats too. He has learned to cut back and do without some things. I never worked hard enough to burn fat off that way. We ride our bikes 7.5 miles and I sweat, but the scale stays the same. My set point right now is at 232 lbs. I can eat a lot or a little and stay there. I had a heart ablation. I feel much better and am more active around the house on most days. Except when I am sick. I have rambled on and gotten no where. I do feel better just putting my thoughts down on this blog. Hope your day went well. Happy tomorrow! May you stay safe from the snowstorm. Hugs, from Katie

I want to write this post before I go back and read what I have already posted before in this blog. This is a new year and another chance for me. I have no excuses to fail. I have already used them up many times before. I have been doing pretty well since I had Heart Ablation on Oct. 25, 2011. I ended up back in the hospital on the 29th because of medication issues. I really want to get off of Multaq, but that is another story for another time. Since my ablation, this is the second one I have had, I have lost 5 lbs. I am proud of that, but I know I could have done much better. I am having issues right now. Same old ones probably. Why I don't love myself is beyond me. Perhaps I feel deep down inside that I really don't deserve it. I have only had one dream in my lifetime. (or so I thought) That was to be a Mom and have the best children ever. I have attained that goal. My mistake has been not to look beyond that goal. I have had another Dream however, one I never even considered to BE a Dream. How silly is that? Pretty silly. Anyway, that dream is to be a thin person. I have spent a lot of money trying to get there. I have fallen on and off of more "diets" than I can name. I have tried nearly all of them. Some with success, but none that I could keep up. I have learned in the past several years that dieting per say won't work for me. Eating right is what I need to do. Eating like a quote "normal" person. So, I try to do that. Some days I do alright, most of them really. I only fall off occasionally. I tend to fall into that category when I fall off, I give up. This time I have not beat myself up when I fell off. I can no longer do that. Dear Hubby and I have begun to work out together for the first time in our lives. We have gotten pretty fit during the late summer and fall. If only we had begun earlier in the season. That is water under the bridge. Next Spring will be great. We are at last working as a team. I decided to use this blog as my log of my journey to eating right again, at all times. It will keep me accountable. If I have to write it down here, I will think more before putting it into my mouth. I know this will work. It has to. I have to get some weight off so I can get off of some of the medicines I am on now for my heart. I know that losing weight will work toward that end. Why I have not done this sooner is really not known to me at this time. Maybe it will come out now that I am keeping a journal about it. I also continue to do my Art Journaling. I have still not been able to really connect the two journals together, perhaps I never will. I know that I will do better tomorrow. I promise myself and you all out there that I will. This is MY time. At last. It is way overdue. Help me keep up the journey. Comments are welcome. If you want to encourage me, look me up on Facebook. Thanks and here I go.

Even though I did not get my year started too well on the first of Jan., it is never too late to start. Hugs to me and to all who read this someday. Kate